When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
