I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Randomize
