I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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