she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
