I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
