He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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