I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
