she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Randomize
