True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
