And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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