who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
