i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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