tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
