i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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