I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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