So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
