Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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