Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
