John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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