guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
