Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
