I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
