My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
