I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
