I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You are a genius and a whore.
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