come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
