I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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