i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Randomize
