I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
