I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
