im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
