i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
