i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
