Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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