Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
