I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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