you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
