I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
