Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
