Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
