If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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