I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
