Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
you had me at cake vodka
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
FUCK WHALES
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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