Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
