My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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