I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
