I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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