What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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