Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
