Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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