I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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